#6. Dissimination of the Flies

My brother was laying in bed, I doubt he was asleep.........
I walked to him and like a child climbed under the sheets and pulled them tightly over my head.
It was the day after the funeral.
I began to shake. I shook so hard my muscles hurt. Instinctively he wrapped his arms around me and held firmly. At the moment he had a good grasp, the dam broke. I broke. I was lost, no longer laying in my body. I was watching from above us, watching my wrecked self writhe in physical and emotional pain like I had never felt before.
"I want my son." I said, softly, barely palatable at first. I shook harder.
"I want MY son" I began to say, emphasizing the word my as if staking claim on something that was stolen from me. He was, just that. Stolen from me.
"I WANT MY SON" I said, repetitive and out lout for the first time. He held tightly. Waiting for a storm to dwindle that may never dwindle. I raged on and on until I had nothing left in me. I hadn't eaten, I hadn't slept.  I had avoided, abandoned, shut down, lost contact, and eliminated any emotional responsibility in this moment. I couldn't hold on any longer. I had gripped the edge with roughed off fingernails until they pulled free from my finger tips and left me spiraling to my demise at the bottom of hell. Rock bottom. He cried too. My hair was soaked. The cool damp air tingled my scalp and I came back to whatever reality I could clamber to and realized I was doing it again. I was hurting him with my own pain. I punished myself silently and fell to quiet whimpers and shortened breaths punctuated by broken inhaled breaths like an infant who was crying themselves to sleep. I felt myself drifting off to sleep........I fought it, but exhaustion was inevitable. My eyes closed, and the nightmares started.
I only slept for a few moments but it was long enough to know I could not continue to sleep like that. I could not have those dreams, ever again. I couldn't. I wouldn't survive it. I'd rather die. Sleeping pills maybe? But only ones that keep me from dreaming....is that possible?

When I awoke I heard the vacuum......"they are leaving" I thought.
Good.......leave me alone.
Alone.
Panic overtook me.........alone. They were all going to leave me here in the wake of this. Go back to their ordinary fucking lives, and their ordinary fucking jobs, and here I was.........
I want MY son.
I knew I couldn't ask them to stay, so I watched them all go. I hugged them, and thanked them all, hoping that someone would notice the pleading in my eyes for someone to promise to stay. Please promise you'll stay.

They come in swarms, cooing you with white noise of support and love, and then they leave. Just as quickly as they came, they leave. Leaving you with the blaring silence that can't be drown out.

Rewind.............push play.